toasty golden brown

i submit that this is the best color in the world (toasty golden brown, that is).  i've spent a solid amount of my life in pursuit of it.  i want it to be my summertime descriptor from my sunkissed coiffure to my perfectly tanned toes.  this desire dates back to my childhood.  luckily, i have two older sistercousins who share this drive.  and together, we have come up with an almost foolproof and highly effective toasty-golden-browning process.  out of the goodness and generosity of my heart, i will share it with you today.

so.

step one-
listen to some music that is like this:

i don't know or care why, but the weezer blue album has skin priming properties that greatly enhance the tanning process.  it's almost as though the power chords and head-bangy rhythms get the cells dancing and singing and thirsty for vitamin D and sunburn.

step two-
apply lotion.  ordinary ol' lotion.  i like lotion with aloe in it, but it really doesn't matter.  do this 20 minutes in advance.  that is the optimum amount of absorption time.  just trust me.

(*note- girls- all of this works better if you've got a clean shave.  especially since if you shave after you tan you shave off your tan.  what a waste.)

step three-
get yourself some trashy mags (us weekly, people, vogue, vanity fair, these are some of my faves) and a diet coke.

step four-
locate some water.  tanning always goes better, faster, and smoother with water body near by.  so, find a lake, river, stream, kiddie pool, and set up camp.  camp should include a towel and/or pool chair, aforementioned magazines and beverage, ipod (just in case), and companion (because tanning always goes better, faster, and smoother with a body body near by as well).

step five-
get wet.  everything.  hair included.  it is a fact that the reflective properties of the water clinging to your skin speeds up the entire affair.

step six-
lay down.  read, drink, talk, listen, sing, sleep, whatever for no fewer than 20 and no longer that 40 minutes.

step seven-
re-wet.

step eight-
flip over.  repeat step six.  repeat step seven.  repeat step eight.  repeat step six.  repeat step seven.  repeat step eight.  you get the gist.  this can go on for as long as you like.

step nine-
once you have finished with the actual sun it is imperative that you slather your skin in lotion, aloe lotion this time.  it must be aloe lotion.  or hawaiian tropic after sun.  that stuff is like liquid gold.  the faster you can re-oil your toasted skin, the better.  peeling is the suntan's worst enemy.

step ten-
take a hot shower.  especially if your tan has escalated to burn.  you might say i'm crazy, but i'm not.  it hurts like the dickens in the shower, but your skin feels SO much better when you get out.  and it seals in the color.

and there you have it.  ten easy steps to a perfect tan.  this is my life's work, my masterpiece, my mona lisa.  use it well and use it wisely.

summer, i wish you'd never leave.